Quotes from Henny Youngman

Hollywood called me, asking me, "How much to do a movie with Farrah Fawcett?" "$50,000" They called back, "How about $20,000?" I said, "I'll pay it!"

The food on the plane was fit for a king. "Here, King!"

Are you Polish? Okay, I'll talk slower.

A Polish guy locked his keys in the car. It took an hour to get his wife out.

If I had blood, I'd blush.

How do Polish people spell farm? E-I-E-I-O

The room is so small, when I put the key in, I broke the window!

Some people play a horse to win, some to place. I should have bet this horse to live.

My wife loves to shop at Bloomingdale's. I bring her mail there twice a week.

I bought my wife a little Italian car. A Mafia. It has a hood under the hood.

My son is 21. He'll be 22 if I let him.

I know a man who is a diamond cutter. He mows the lawn at Yankee Stadium.

He had a defect, which to a comic might be fatal. He wasn't funny.

My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable.

Is that your hat or are you wearing a cabana?

The hotel I'm in has a lovely closet. A nail.

You look like a talent scout for a cemetery.

A Jewish woman had 2 chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.