Quotes from Henny Youngman

A bomb fell on Italy. It slid off!

I have a lovely room and bath in the hotel. It's a little inconvenient, they're in two separate buildings!

When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win.

I think the world of you...and you know what condition the world is in today.

A baby-sitter is a teenager who gets two dollars an hour to eat five dollars' worth of your food.

I know what I'm giving up for Lent: my New Year's resolutions.

I don't fly on account of my religion. I'm a devout coward.

My grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

While playing golf today I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake.

The hitter asks the owner to give him a big raise so he can go somewhere he's never been, and the owner says "You mean third base?"

I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

Take my wife... Please!

My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

I've got enough money to last the rest of my life ... as long as I die about four o'clock this afternoon.

During the war an Italian girl saved my life. She hid me in her basement in Cleveland.

My history teacher was so old, he taught from memory.

Old teachers never die, they just grade away.

If you had your life to live over again, do it overseas.

This man is frank and earnest with women. In Fresno, he's Frank and in Chicago he's Ernest.

Everytime I ask what time it is, I get a different answer.

Was that suit made to order? Where were you at the time?

Zsa Zsa Gabor is an expert housekeeper. Every time she gets divorced, she keeps the house.

That was the first time I saw a horse start from a kneeling position!

She must have Egyptian blood. Every time I try to kiss her she says, "Tut, Tut!"