Quotes from Henny Youngman

I played a lot of tough clubs in my time. Once a guy in one of those clubs wanted to bet me $10 that I was dead. I was afraid to bet.

When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win. -Henny Youngman, comedian and violinist (1906-1998)

She's been married so many times she has rice marks on her face.

I was just in London - there is a 6 hour time difference. I'm still confused. When I go to dinner, I feel sexy. When I go to bed, I feel hungry.

She's a big-hearted girl with hips to match.

How to drive a guy crazy: send him a telegram and on the top put 'page 2.'

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad but New York City?

I love Christmas. I receive a lot of wonderful presents I can't wait to exchange.

My wife is on a new diet. Coconuts and bananas. She hasn't lost weight, but can she climb a tree.

His motto is "Love Thy Neighbor". His neighbor is an 18 year old hooker.

Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to stop going to those places.

A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says You've been brought here for drinking. The drunk says Okay, let's get started.

When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.

I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up - they have no holidays.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

My grandmother is over eighty and she still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays.

I've got all the money I'll ever need. If I die by 4:00.

When you battle with your conscience and lose, you win. -Henny Youngman, comedian and violinist (1906-1998)

Americans are getting stronger. Twenty years ago, it took two people to carry ten dollars' worth of groceries. Today, a five-year-old can do it.

My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that's not so bad; but New York City?

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places. - Henny Youngman