Quotes from Henny Youngman

This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!

A self-taught man usually has a poor teacher and a worse student.

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

A baby-sitter is a teenager who gets two dollars an hour to eat five dollars' worth of your food.

My wife is a light eater ... as soon as it's light, she starts to eat.

Take my wife, please.

This man used to go to school with his dog. Then they were separated. His dog graduated!

My wife and I got remarried. Our divorce didn't work out.

If at first you don't succeed... so much for skydiving.

My best friend ran away with my wife, and let me tell you, I miss him.

The most effective way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once... You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, "There is water in the carburetor." I said, "Where's the car?" She said, "In the lake."

When a man opens a car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife. My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.

I have a car that I call Flattery because it gets me nowhere.

Anybody who thinks talk is cheap has never argued with a traffic cop.

A Jewish woman had two chickens. One got sick, so the woman made chicken soup out of the other one to help the sick one get well.

My other brother-in-law died. He was a karate expert, then joined the army. The first time he saluted, he killed himself.

My son complains about headaches. I tell him all the time, when you get out of bed, it's feet first!

If you're going to do something tonight that you'll be sorry for tomorrow morning, sleep late.

My wife has a black belt in shopping.

When God sneezed, I didn't know what to say.

You have a nice personality, but not for a human being.

We were married for better or worse. I couldn't have done better, and she couldn't have done worse.

"Doctor, my leg hurts. What can I do?" The doctor says, "Limp!"