Quotes from Henny Youngman

When I read about the dangers of drinking, I gave up reading

The patient says, Doctor, it hurts when I do this. The doctor says, Then don't do that!

My Grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. Drinks right out of the bottle.

Dancing on pointe...Why don't they just get taller girls?

A man walks into a library and says, 'I hope you don't have a book on reverse psychology.

If you're gonna do something tonight that you'll regret tomorrow morning, sleep late

Most women are attracted to simple things in life. Like men.

I know a man who doesn't pay to have his trash taken out. How does he get rid of his trash? He gift wraps it, and puts in into an unlocked car.

A man goes to a psychiatrist. The doctor says, "You're crazy" The man says, "I want a second opinion!" "Okay, you're ugly too!"

I said to my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?' She said, 'I want to go somewhere I've never been before.' I said, 'Try the kitchen.'

I was walking down the street, and I found a man's hand in my pocket. I asked, "What do you want?" "A match" "Why didn't you ask me?" "I don't talk to strangers."

Why do Jewish men die before their wives? They want to.

You can't buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.

I have terrible luck. Last week my chauffeur ran off without my wife.

I wanted to become an atheist but I gave it up. They have no holidays.

Don't move! I want to forget you just the way you are.

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.

My wife and I went back to the hotel where we spent our wedding night. Only this time, I stayed in the bathroom and cried.

We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.

Most marriage failures are caused by failures marrying.

It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

Nurse: "Doctor, the man you just gave a clean bill of health to dropped dead right as he was leaving the office". Doctor: "Turn him around, make it look like he was walking in."

A doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so he gave him another six months.