Quotes from Groucho Marx

Anything that can't be done in bed isn't worth doing at all.

That's bad luck: three on a midget.

I have had a wonderful time but this wasn't it.

Bel Air, I am convinced, was laid out by some diabolic sadist who deliberately decided not to use a compass or a surveyor.

Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.

I don't know. When I was born there was a nurse taking care of me." "What's the matter? Couldn't the nurse take care of herself?" "Sure she could. I just found that out too late.

I love to read. My education is self-inflicted

Even the intellectual crowd will have none of me. Physically, I look like one of them. Graying at the temples, I walk with a slight limp and wear thick glasses.

Clear? Huh! Why a four-year-old child could understand this report! Run out and find me a four-year-old child, I can't make head or tail of it.

I could dance with you till the cows come home. Better still, I'll dance with the cows and you come home." Groucho Marx was never one to pass up an opportunity for a play on words and this occurs in his dialogue of the 1933 film Duck Soup:

Whoever named it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

A year ago I came here without a nickle in my pocket, now, I've got a nickle in my pocket.

I find television very educational. Every time someone switches it on I go into another room and read a good book.

Money frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy

Go, and never darken my towels again.

We left New York drunk and early on the morning of February second. After fifteen days on the water and six on the boat we finally arrived on the shores of Africa.

I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.

In a Chicago cafe the other night, an elderly man passed a table. "There goes George," observed an onlooker. "When he was young, he was a handsome guy and had many companies. Left a wife and two kids to starve, and ran off with another woman. And now look at him. Old, broke and very sad." "That's the way-it-goes," nodded Elly Kleinman. "Time wounds all heels.

I only write first editions.

Why don't you bore a hole in yourself and let the sap run out?

I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.

Eu não sou vegetariano, mas como animais que são.

He [Harpo] loved life and lived it joyously and deeply and that's about as good an epitaph as anyone can have.

According to the wire, you are resting well and are being taken care of by a nurse. I hope she is beautiful and that she has red hair. I don't know why, but whenever I dream of a nurse she always has red hair. Red hair makes a man want to recover his health quickly, so that he can get on his feet and get the nurse off hers." - Groucho Marx, letter to his son