Quotes from Groucho Marx

No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.

If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.

She's so in love with me, she doesn't know anything. That's why she's in love with me.

I've got a good mind to go out and join a club and beat you over the head with it.

Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

I never go to movies where the hero's tits are bigger than the heroine's.

Was that you or the duck?

My mother loved children -- she would have given anything if I had been one.

Die, my dear? Why that's the last thing I'll do!

Hello, I must be going.

The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths.

If I hold you any closer I'll be in back of you!

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today.

It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.

Any place I hang my head is home.

All geniuses die young.

Man does not control his own fate. The women in his life do that for him.

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.

I'll teach you to kick me...' You don't need to teach me--I already know how!

Hello, I must be going, I cannot stay, I came to say, I must be going. I'm glad I came, but just the same, I must be going.

Most young women do not welcome promiscuous advances. (Either that, or my luck's terrible.)

Love flies out the door when money comes innuendo.