Quotes from Groucho Marx

When I was young I was amazed at Plutarch's statement that the elder Cato began at the age of eighty to learn Greek. I am amazed no longer. Old age is ready to undertake tasks that youth shirked because they would take too long.

Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.

I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down I was convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend reading it.

I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

Ever since they found out that Lassie was a boy, the public has believed the worst about Hollywood.

Military justice is to justice what military music is to music.

I refuse to join any club that would have me as a member.

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

I think women are sexy when they got some clothes on. And if later they take them off then you've triumphed. Somebody once said it's what you dont see you're interested in, and this is true.

Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men, the other 999 follow women.

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

I chased a girl for two years only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine: We were both crazy about girls.

I chased a woman for almost two years only to discover her tastes were exactly like mine - we were both crazy about girls.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

Marriage is a wonderful institution...but who wants to live in an institution?