Quotes from Groucho Marx

If you're not having fun, you're doing something wrong.

If a black cat crosses your path, it signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... now you tell me what you know.

Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light.

While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.

Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.

Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, and I'm going to be happy in it.

I have nothing but respect for you -- and not much of that.

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.

A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun.

Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men -- the other 999 follow women.

Whatever it is, I'm against it.

Life is a whim of several billion cells to be you for a while

You call this a party? The beer is warm, the women cold and I'm hot under the collar.

If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.

No man goes before his time – unless the boss leaves early.

I find television very educational. Every time someone turns it on, I go in the other room and read a book.

I was born at a very early age. Before I had time to regret it, I was four and a half years old.

There's one thing I always wanted to do before I quit... Retire!

Clowns work as well as aspirin, but twice as fast.

Hey, when I said work fast, I didn't mean your friend, I meant the maid.

I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.

Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water.