Quotes from Groucho Marx

I could dance with you until the cows come home. On second thought I'd rather dance with the cows until you come home.

Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference.

Home is where you hang your head.

There is one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says 'yes' you know he is crooked.

Mrs. Teasdale calls for rescue and Firefly delivers the famous line to his cohorts as they rescue her: "Remember, you're fighting for this woman's honor, which is probably more than she ever did."

Come on in girls, and leave all hope behind.

Just give me a comfortable couch, a dog, a good book, and a woman. Then if you can get the dog to go somewhere and read the book, I might have a little fun.

Before I speak, I have something important to say.

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.

Do you suppose I could buy back my introduction to you?

Humor is reason gone mad.

I don't care to belong to a club that accepts people like me as members.

It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.

The foods that are recommended today are as palatable as a steady diet of wet blotters.

Go, and never darken my towels again

My experience is that people are most likely to listen to reason when in bed.

We in the industry know that behind every successful screenwriter stands a woman. And behind her stands his wife.

Today's Father Day and we're giving you a tie, it's not much you know, it's just our way of showing you, you're a regular guy.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got in my pajamas I'll never know.

A moose is an animal with horns on the front of its head and a hunting lodge wall on the back of it

A black cat crossing your path signifies that the animal is going somewhere.

Each morning when I open my eyes I say to myself: I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today.

In America you can go on the air and kid the politicians, and the politicians can go on the air and kid the people.

In any relationship, the woman has control, the clever ones don't let the men know.