Quotes from Groucho Marx

Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.

Die, my dear? Why that's the last thing I'll do!

I don't care to belong to any organization that accepts me as a member.

I never forget a face, but in your case, I'll be glad to make an exception.

While money can't buy happiness, it certainly lets you choose your own form of misery.

I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.

Why, look at me. I've worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made.

No man goes before his time - unless the boss leaves early.

I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.

All people are born alike — except Republicans and Democrats.

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

I sent the club a wire stating, PLEASE ACCEPT MY RESIGNATION. I DON'T WANT TO BELONG TO ANY CLUB THAT WILL ACCEPT ME AS A MEMBER.

I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.

Well, art is art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water! And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now, uh... now you tell me what you know.

Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will accept me as a member.

It isn't necessary to have relatives in Kansas City in order to be unhappy.

Women should be obscene and not heard.

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.

In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.

I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.

It isn't so much that hard times are coming; the change observed is mostly soft times going.

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows — marriage does.

I've had a wonderful evening - but this wasn't it.