Quotes from Groucho Marx

Dig trenches? With our men being killed off like flies? There isn't time to dig trenches. We'll have to buy them ready made.

Every time someone turns on a TV, I go in the other room and read.

Blessed are the cracked, for they shall let in the light.

I love my cigar too, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.

She's so in love with me, she doesn't know anything. That's why she's in love with me.

I love to read. My education is self-inflicted

I did toy with the idea of doing a cook-book. . . . I think a lot of people who hate literature but love fried eggs would buy it if the price was right.

I won't belong to any organization that would have me as a member.

Take two turkeys, one goose, four cabbages, but no duck, and mix them together. After one taste, you'll duck soup for the rest of your life

It looks as if Hollywood brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.

When I first came to this country I didn't have a nickel in my pocket - now I have a nickel in my pocket.

There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says, 'Yes,' you know he is a crook.

Only if the computers really love each other.

Making love to your wife is like shooting at sitting ducks.

Send two dozen roses to Room 424 and put "Emily, I love you" on the back of the bill.

Love had forged ahead so swiftly that in no time it had displaced agriculture as the leading industry of the period. To anyone who has tried both, this wont come as much of a surprise.

Don't be silly. I'll write you twice a week.

All people are born alike - except Republicans and Democrats.

Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.

I, not events, have the power to make me happy or unhappy today. I can choose which it shall be. Yesterday is dead, tomorrow hasn't arrived yet. I have just one day, today, and I'm going to be happy in it.

Practically everybody in New York has half a mind to write a book, and does.

Television is where you watch people in your living room that you would not want near your house.

If the garbage man calls, tell him we don't want any.

Believe me, you have to get up early if you want to get out of bed.