Quotes from Groucho Marx

In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.

I have nothing but respect for you -- and not much of that.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.

I'm not feeling very well - I need a doctor immediately. Ring the nearest golf course.

Well, Art is Art, isn't it? Still, on the other hand, water is water. And east is east and west is west and if you take cranberries and stew them like applesauce they taste much more like prunes than rhubarb does. Now you tell me what you know.

You've got a goal in life. I've got a goal. Now all we need is a football team.

Now there's a man with an open mind - you can feel the breeze from here!

Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.

Always examine the dice.

She's afraid that if she leaves, she'll become the life of the party.

A woman is an occasional pleasure but a cigar is always a smoke.

It isn't so much that hard times are coming; the change observed is mostly soft times going.

I worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child. I can't make head nor tail out of it.

Why, I'd horse-whip you if I had a horse.

Gerald Ford was unknown throughout America. Now he's unknown throughout the world.

Remember, the grass is always greener where you don't happen to be the neighbor.

Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana

Heifer cow is better than none, but this is no time for puns

I shall drink no # wine before it's time! OK, it's time.

I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it.

I have had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it.

I remember the first time I had sex - I kept the receipt.