Quotes from Groucho Marx

No one is completely unhappy at the failure of his best friend.

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know.

I could dance till the cows come home. On second thought, I'd rather dance with the cows till you come home.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

Youre a woman whos been getting nothing but dirty breaks. Well, we can clean and tighten your brakes, but youll have to stay in the garage all night.

If I held you any closer I would be on the other side of you.

Why should I care about posterity? What's posterity ever done for me?

I wish to be cremated. One tenth of my ashes shall be given to my agent, as written in our contract.

I'm leaving because the weather is too good. I hate London when it's not raining.

Why was I with her? She reminds me of you. In fact, she reminds me more of you than you do!

Do you mind if I don't smoke?

Marry me and I'll never look at another horse!

Years ago, I tried to top everybody, but I don't anymore. I realized it was killing conversation. When you're always trying for a topper you aren't really listening. It ruins communication

Mr.Blank's reputation as a card shark had preceded him. No one accused him of being dishonest, but on the other hand no one accused him of being honest.

This book was written in those long hours I spent waiting for my wife to get dressed to go out. And if she had never gotten dressed at all this book would never have been written.

I write by ear. I tried writing with the typewriter, but I found it too unwieldy

All geniuses die young.

Since my daughter is only half-Jewish, could she go in the water up to her knees?

As soon as I get through with you, you'll have a clear case for divorce and so will my wife.

A child of five could understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.

Outside of a dog, a book is man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.

Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?

I must confess, I was born at a very early age.