Quotes from Groucho Marx

I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go to the library and read a good book.

Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.

Would you mind getting off that fly paper and giving the flies a chance?" "Ahhh, you can't trick me! Flies don't read papers!

It is impossible to design anything that is foolproof because fools are so ingenious.

There's only two things you can start without a plan: a riot and a family, for everything else you need a plan.

Why a four-year-old child could understand this report. Run out and find me a four-year-old child.

Die, my dear? Why that's the last thing I'll do!

The first thing which I can record concerning myself is, that I was born. These are wonderful words. This life, to which neither time nor eternity can bring diminution - this everlasting living soul, began. My mind loses itself in these depths.

Two women at a resort discussed dinner: "The food here is lousy," the first noted. "You're right! And such small portions!!" the second added

If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you.

[He] may talk like an idiot, and look like an idiot, but don't let that fool you: he really is an idiot.

Room service? Send up a larger room.

I'm not crazy about reality, but it's still the only place to get a decent meal.

When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun.'

This isn't a particularly novel observation, but the world is full of people who think they can manipulate the lives of others merely by getting a law passed.

I've got the brain of a four year old. I'll bet he was glad to be rid of it.

Whatever it is, I'm against it.

I've been looking for a girl like you - not you, but a girl like you.

I didn't like the play, but then I saw it under adverse conditions - the curtain was up.

We took pictures of the native girls, but they weren't developed. . . But we're going back next week.

A clown is like aspirin, only he works twice as fast.

I know, I know - you're a woman who's had a lot of tough breaks. Well, we can clean and tighten those brakes, but you'll have to stay in the garage all night.

Don't look now, but there's one too many in this room and I think it's you.

Life lives, life dies. Life laughs, life cries. Life gives up and life tries. But life looks different through everyone's eyes.