Quotes from Groucho Marx

When you're in jail, a good friend will be trying to bail you out. A best friend will be in the cell next to you saying, 'Damn, that was fun'.

Whoever called it necking was a poor judge of anatomy.

From the moment I picked your book up until I laid it down, I convulsed with laughter. Someday I intend on reading it.

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.

I must say I find television very educational. The minute somebody turns it on, I go into the library and read a good book.

It frees you from doing things you dislike. Since I dislike doing nearly everything, money is handy.

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog it's too dark to read.

Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There's no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.

There's one thing I always wanted to do before I quit–retire!

My experience is that people are most likely to listen to reason when in bed.

From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.

Please accept my resignation. I don't care to belong to any club that will have me as a member.

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows--marriage does.

She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

The husband who wants a happy marriage should learn to keep his mouth shut and his checkbook open.

There is one way to find out if a man is honest; ask him! If he says yes you know he's crooked.

Those are my principles, and if you don't like them... well, I have others.

You are only as old as the woman you feel.

I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

She got her looks from her father. He's a plastic surgeon.

Why, look at me. I've worked my way up from nothing to a state of extreme poverty.

Next time I see you, remind me not to talk to you.

I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally.

Age is not a particularly interesting subject. Anyone can get old. All you have to do is live long enough.