Quotes from Groucho Marx

Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms.

I don't have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They're upstairs in my socks.

Either this man is dead or my watch has stopped.

The only real laughter comes from despair.

Quote me as saying I was mis-quoted.

If you've heard this story before, don't stop me, because I'd like to hear it again.

Room service? Send up a larger room." [ A Night at the Opera ]

I'll put off reading Lolita for six more years until she turns 18.

I must admit, I was born at an early age.

The trouble with writing a book about yourself is that you can't fool around. If you write about someone else, you can stretch the truth from here to Finland. If you write about yourself the slightest deviation makes you realize instantly that there may be honor among thieves, but you are just a dirty liar.

Do you mind if I don't smoke?

Before I speak, I have something important to say.

Here's to our wives and girlfriends...may they never meet!

Groucho: You know I think you're the most beautiful woman in the world? Woman: Really? Groucho: No, but I don't mind lying if it gets me somewhere.

I've been looking for a girl like you - not you, but a girl like you.

I think women are sexy when they got some clothes on. And if later they take them off then you've triumphed. Somebody once said it's what you dont see you're interested in, and this is true.

A man is only as old as the woman he feels.

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.

Don't look now, but there's one man too many in this room, and I think it's you.

Policeman: "A hermit eh? Then why's your table set for four?" Groucho: "That's nothing. My alarm clock is set for eight.

There's one way to find out if a man is honest - ask him. If he says "yes" you know he is a crook.

We'll meet at the theater tonight. I'll hold your seat 'til you get there. Once you get there; you're on your own.

Hollywood brides keep the bouquets and throw away the grooms.

I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30.