Quotes from Jarod Kintz

With my last breath, I'll exhale my love for you. I hope it's a cold day, so you can see what you meant to me.

If loving someone is putting them in a straitjacket and kicking them down a flight of stairs, then yes, I have loved a few people.

One of my main regrets in life is giving considerable thought to inconsiderate people.

She had two lips like strawberries, and the seeds gave her kisses texture. I preferred kissing her over two scoops of vanilla ice cream.

Patience and wisdom walk hand in hand, like two one-armed lovers.

Laughter is the sound of the soul dancing. My soul probably looks like Fred Astaire.

I hate fake people. You know what I'm talking about. Mannequins.

Don't shave my head to make your wig of selfishness. Shave it because you care.

The most enjoyable book in the world is the phone book, because think of all the sex that went into creating the content.

I am a master of logic and a powerfully convincing debater. In fact, against my better judgment, I can talk myself out of doing anything.

I think the key indicator for wealth is not good grades, work ethic, or IQ. I believe it's relationships. Ask yourself two questions: How many people do I know, and how much ransom money could I get for each one?

I love running. I'm not into marathons, but I am into avoiding problems at an accelerated rate.

I'm willing to die for the woman I love. I just want to take 75 years to do it.

I'm not a very good sleeper. But you know what? I'm willing to put in a few extra hours every day to get better. That's just the kind of hard worker I am.

She gave me money to buy condoms, and instead I bought a book of baby names. That's life. That's love. That's fiscally irresponsible.

I once saw a snake having sex with a vulture, and I thought, It's just business as usual in Washington DC.

If I have to beat you up to keep you safe, that's just what I'll do. It's this kind of regard for others that makes me believe I'd be a good politician.

The year you were born marks only your entry into the world. Other years where you prove your worth, they are the ones worth celebrating.

I want to lose weight by eating nothing but moon pies, which have significantly less gravity than earthier foods such as fruits and vegetables.

Reading—it's the third best thing to do in bed.

Sometimes I ask myself, "Do I have the courage to do the right thing when it matters most?" And that answer, I'm afraid, is silence.

I'm on a government watch list. But I'm not interested, because government watches only work twenty minutes out of every hour.

Even a fool recognizes that there is great sadness in a bucket of tears. But only a wise man thinks to conserve water and use that bucket to wash his car.

I cut an inch off of every straw I see, just to make the world suck a little less.