Quotes from Dan Gutman

Football Players Are Really Dumb

The next morning everybody was wearing the official school uniform. The boys had on light blue shirts, blue pants, and blue ties. The girls had on blue skirts with stripes on them. I looked like a dork. But everybody looked like a dork, so I didn't feel so bad.

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And I believe you have to go back to Miss Daisy's class." Then he climbed up the ladder and into the tree house. Michael was disappointed that he didn't get Neil Armstrong's fingerprints. When we got back to class, I told Miss Daisy all about Neil Armstrong stepping on the surface of the moon for the first time. "Wow, that sounds exciting!" Miss Daisy said. "Do you still think books are boring, A.J.?" "Yes," I

Four point two

It even has pictures!

She must be the tallest person in the history of the world! Miss Small was the opposite of her name. It was like a fat guy was named Mr. Thin or a dumb guy was named Mr. Smart or a really handsome guy was named Mr. Ugly or…well, you get the idea.

James Madison's face is on the five-thousand-dollar bill. That's right, there's a five-thousand-dollar bill! Can you imagine going into a store to buy a candy bar and asking if they'll give you change for a five-thousand-dollar bill?

Art Contest

Spy Museum.

One time when Mrs. Mentry came to our school, things got out of hand and there was a food fight. Pickle chips and meatballs and burritos and Tater Tots were flying through the air. It was cool.

Credits Cover art © 2004 by Jim Paillot.

Nobody calls me a crybaby.

Everything is bigger in Texas

On the morning of the wedding, my mom said I had to wear a jacket and tie. What's up with that? Why do men have to wear a dumb cloth around their neck? Whoever thought up that idea should get the Nobrain Prize. That's a prize they give to people who don't have brains.

naked eye."*

7-14-12-4-14-5-19-7-4-2-17-8-2-10-4-19-12-0-18-19-4-17 Coke looked at the numbers and

Holy !@#$%!" Coke exclaimed.

Once Emily started crying, it set off a chain reaction and other kids started crying, too. Some of the first graders said they wanted their mommies. Some kid peed in his pants. Everyone was freaking out. The

But it won't be easy!

I hate school.

But it won't be

blah blah blah

My voice is the same