Quotes from Karl Pilkington

Art seems to be about coming up with your own story or take on each piece. This made me think about the mystery of the Mona Lisa. Everyone likes that painting cos they don't know the story behind it. Who is she? Why the cheeky smile? If the Mona Lisa was done today, we'd know everything there was to know about her cos she'd have sold her story to Heat magazine and done some open-hearted interview with a tabloid before the paint was dry.

Most pirates had one eye, one leg and a hook for a hand. I don't know why people feared them. If they were around today they'd be registered disabled and would be entitled to so many benefits they wouldn't have to mess about looking for treasure chests.

A while back I heard bears have to stick leaves up their arse to stop ants crawling up there and biting them! I know the world is getting overpopulated but it isn't that crowded that things have to live up an arse. No wonder Paddington Bear left Peru for London. When you've got bears wanting to leave the country it makes me wonder what I'm doing here.

I've tried counting sheep like everyone recommends, but what tends to happen is that my brain thinks it's seen the same sheep twice and that messes up my count, and when I think there's no more sheep to count, another three will come running along and startle me. Or just as I think I've finished counting, an elephant comes running in. By this point I'm wide awake.

Cher sang the song "If I Could Turn Back Time" about how she wished she could turn back time just so she could stop an argument that she'd had. If this is the sort of stupid thing people would be doing with time travel, I don't think we should encourage it.

How would I know which one I was?

Luke mentioned that a lot of people go to the Kumbh Mela festival to 'find themselves'. That's a saying I've never understood. If I did want to find myself, I don't think I'd find me at a festival with 20 million other people. I hate crowds. The

Whatever doesn't kill you makes you stronger'. Unless it's polio.

I don't really like surprises. Not big ones anyway. Just having a pack of Revels holds enough of a surprise for me.

One of my wisdom teeth is playing up. My dentist said it is known to happen with some people when they're stressed. My teeth seem to know I'm stressed before I do. Maybe that's why they're called wisdom teeth.

Thinking is underrated. I don't think thinking is a popular pastime these days due to the fact there's always something else on offer that you could be doing instead. Maybe people also don't like to do it as much as it's now harder due to noise.

Knowledge is annoying

I'm useless in water. I wake up at night drowning in my own saliva.

I'd heard street food was a big thing here in Mexico but I didn't think it meant the creatures that lived on the street.

I've heard goldfish grow to the size of their surroundings; so does furniture.

Just tick a few boxes, agree to the terms and conditions and wait for the automated reply that says it's all gone through and we're now husband and wife. Why has that not been set up?

People say Americans like coming to England to see the old stuff 'cos they haven't got any old things in their own country, but they would if they stopped crushing it or blowing shit up.

If I was in charge of the dictionary I would have a right clear-out of words. Words like 'necrophilia' I'd get rid of. If someone has that (attraction to dead bodies), I'd make them say, 'I fancy dead bodies'. Then, at least when they tell people, they might realise how mental it sounds rather than it being hidden in a posh word. And then they'll stop having the problem. The fact that it has its own word makes it seem more acceptable.

We had the Stone Age and the Bronze Age, now we're living in the Interfering Age.

Normally you can't hear your own voice cos you're talking over it

They're limited edition,' she said. 'Listen,' I said 'they're not limited enough. These shouldn't have been made at all.

I bought an Apple iPad and it was out of date sooner than a real apple would have been. We

The only memory I have was how the wrestler's balls that were thrust into my face left a saltiness on my lips. At first I assumed it was from the tacos, and then I realised I'd not eaten any today. I

My mam told me not to tell many people about not being christened, as she said I would be a prime target for witches. To this day I don't know what she meant by that.