Quotes from Karl Pilkington

Maybe this is how Michael Jackson came up with his moonwalk. Maybe he was acting out a time when he stepped in dogshit and tried to get it off his shoes.

I've heard that we're constantly shedding skin and it is totally replaced every seven years. So every seven years you're a different person. That's why people get the seven-year itch and stop getting on with their partner – it's because they're a different person.

had a wee in the Amazon. Until Richard told me I should be careful because there are some tiny fish that can swim up from the water through my urine and into my knob! Is that how amazing the Amazon is? The fish in there would really rather live in my knob than the river.

I never believed me mam when she finished a story with 'And they all lived happily ever after'. 'No, they didn't. I don't believe it,' I'd say. I prefered Humpty Dumpty – nice and short, and a realistic ending. He never hurt anyone, but he had a little accident and died. Shit happens. That's life, innit.

You can get 5 million million atoms on the head of a pin", it said. Atoms are dangerous enough – they are what makes the atomic bomb so powerful. So why store them on top of a dangerous sharp object like a pin? They're asking for trouble.

This is the problem with inventing. Virtually everything has been done already. These days most things are just the same things but tweaked. Everything is 'new and improved'.

I really can't believe what a state the Pyramids are in. I thought they had flat rendered sides, but when you get up close, you see how they are just giant boulders balanced on top of each other, like a massive game of Jenga that has got out of hand. I

Chinese surgeons are the best in the world cos they're always dealing with kids with four legs or two heads in China, but Chinese doctors are rubbish when it comes to getting rid of a rash or a cold. There's a Chinese medicine shop round the corner from where I live and they give you twigs and leaves to eat if you have some eczema or flu. This shows the Chinese are not as up-to-date with everyday illnesses, yet they are great when it comes to removing an extra head.

But just like a real mum with a real kid, the noise coming from the toy didn't seem to bother her. Kids are like farts in that way. They never seem to bother the owner as much as they bother everyone else.

I find I can get mundane jobs done pretty quickly when I'm in a mood. I often wash up pots if I've had an argument with Suzanne, and I do a thorough job in good time and then by the time I've finished I've calmed down. Actually, I wouldn't be surprised if there was a link between the rise in divorce rates and the introduction of the dishwasher.

I've always wanted to kick a duck up the arse.

It's no coincidence that the women who spray perfume all over themselves are always the ones with an orange tan too. I put it down to the fact that all the CFC gases they pump out burn up the ozone above their heads, so the sun tans them the most. Obvious, innit.

Vanuatu has over 100 languages in use among the 230,000 population. I don't know how a place can run like this. Surely a lot of people have to speak a certain language for it to qualify as one.

Some examples for you: 'Mi wantem' is 'I would like'. 'Mi wantem' sounds like 'Me want them', which equals 'I would like'. 'Bitwin' is 'between'. 'Bisnis' is 'business'. By now you've probably got the hang of it, so I don't have to tell you what 'Gud moning' means. If you're still struggling you're a 'dik ed'.

car designers still haven't sorted this problem. They still install cigarette lighters, even though most smokers carry a lighter, and glove compartments – glove compartments! Why is there an area reserved for gloves? It just helps impulsive murderers, doesn't it? Electric windows are all very nice but hardly necessary. And yet no one has thought about emptying the bladder.

The best thing about me is probably my eyes, but then I suppose my eyes would think that, as it's them that are looking at them.

I was still getting my head round the fact that carrot juice existed

Everywhere we walked we got plenty of attention due to the camera and sound men. The locals love to get on camera. I walked down the street feeling like the Pied Piper. At

I must have had about 30 to 40 people surrounding me. I'd seen footage of Gandhi surrounded like this and always thought it was because he was very popular, but now I wonder if it was just because he had a camera crew with him.

I stopped listening to Justin. I don't think he likes to leave anything as nature intended. He'd iron out the lump on a camel's back and get a pelican to have its throat lifted.

the bus was running late, but in truth this was no surprise. Delhi probably got its name from the word 'delay'.

Before we left, Seija asked if I felt any cosmic powers. I wanted to say yes, but I hadn't, so I decided to be honest with her. She seemed disappointed by this news.

Neighbourhood Watch to me is checking my neighbours aren't outside their house before I leave the flat, to avoid getting into long discussions.

surgeons had been able to keep a heart beating even though it wasn't connected to a body. I thought this was a waste of heartbeats and energy. It's like going out and leaving the TV on. We're constantly being told to save energy, and yet surgeons are leaving hearts pumping.