Quotes from Karl Pilkington

Yesterday, I did some painting then went out to buy an onion and came home and watched 'University Challenge.' The onion was probably the highlight.

I'm not a proper traveler. I don't like to be challenged or have too much of a change and prefer a week away just to relax.

I've learnt that, even though I've travelled about, I haven't changed that much.

A slug is always on its own. It's a lonely insect.

To me, a cat is an easy pet, they don't need any spoiling or looking after.

I'd say the best is when I was in Africa, I saw a hippo in a house. Someone had a pet hippo. And they're meant to be one of the most dangerous animals on the planet, and they had one that was sort of just wandering in and out of their house, just sort of roaming about.

And we've got a toaster and everything. So there is no reason for the wedding.

To be honest, marriage doesn't scare me and that, it's just once you've been together for so long, if you haven't got any kids it's just a big expensive day out for everyone else to enjoy, isn't it?

[D]rugs being tested on animals. That sort of thing, well, it depends, doesn't it? If the drug's aspirin and the monkey's got a headache, is it tight?

Jellyfish] are 97% water or something, so how much are they doing? Just give them another 3% and make them water. It's more useful.

I think people would live a bit longer if they didn't know how old they were. Age puts restrictions on things.

They keep saying that sea levels are rising an' all this. It's nowt to do with the icebergs melting, it's because there's too many fish in it. Get rid of some of the fish and the water will drop. Simple. Basic science.

I always have a problem liking things that I'm told I should like. This has been the problem with most of the Wonders I have seen so far. The fact that this one is called the 'Great' Wall of China annoys me. I'll decide if it's great or not. It might end up being the 'All Right Wall of China' to me.

Everywhere we walked we got plenty of attention due to the camera and sound men. The locals love to get on camera. [...] I'd seen footage of Gandhi surrounded like this and always thought it was because he was very popular, but now I wonder if it was just because he had a camera crew with him.

I find that if you just talk, your mouth comes up with stuff.

The problem I have with all this religion stuff is that I can't relate to it. I think most people got into 'cos it gave them something to do on a Sunday, but since all the shops are now open it isn't required as much.

I know who I am. Bloody hell, I'm getting enough bills for Karl Pilkington so I hope I am him, 'cos if I'm not, I have no idea who I'm paying for.

The cafe was called Tattoos. The fella who owned it didn't have any tattoos... but we never saw his wife.

I look at life like a big book and sometimes you get half way through it and go 'Even though I've been enjoying it, I've had enough. Give us another book

It's interesting to see that people had so much clutter even thousands of years ago. The only way to get rid of it all was to bury it, and then some archaeologist went and dug it all up.

She gave me the jabs and said I was covered for every worst-case scenario, including being bitten by a dirty chimp. I told her this is why we have over-population problems. Why are idiots who annoy dirty chimps being protected?

I really can't believe what a state the Pyramids are in. I thought they had flat rendered sides, but when you get up close, you see how they are just giant boulders balanced on top of each other, like a massive game of Jenga that has got out of hand.

Stay green, stay in the woods, and stay safe.

I always have a problem liking things I'm told I should like.