Quotes from Karl Pilkington

Your dreams should never be better than your real life

Parrots have gone a bit quiet since pirates have gone.

Getting old is better than being young. You can do what you want to do.

You can only live to be so old, then you gotta let go.

I've never won many awards, I didn't get certificates for swimming or anything.

They say it all started out with a big bang. But, what I wonder is, was it a big bang or did it just seem big because there wasn't anything else drown it out at the time?

I sometimes wonder how we're short of cod. There's gonna be a load deep down that are hiding. But it's a good reason to put the price up, and it means a load of people will have haddock. They should tell people they're running out of all sorts. Make 'em panic a bit.

With evolution, things are always changing, so I sort of think: Should we all be growing three heads?

They say it all started out with a big bang. But, what I wonder is, was it a big bang or did it just seem big because there wasn't anything else to drown it out at the time?

If you go away with, you know, a girlfriend, wife, whatever, you have an argument on holiday because you're not used to spending that much time with people.

By 78 you've done everything you're going to do. If you haven't bungee-jumped by the time you're 78 you're not going to do it.

When I go on holiday and people ask me what I do, I tell them I do some internet stuff and I've done a couple of books and I hope they just leave it at that.

People who live in a glass house have to answer the door.

People who live in glass houses... have to answer the door.

I've never worried about life's big questions.

The poorer people and criminals of Mexico who are not very religious but not quite atheists, either, worship Saint Death.

But I'm not an idiot. At the end of the day, I've learned a lot.

It would be spiteful to put a Jellyfish in a trifle.

To be honest, marriage doesn't scare me and that, it's just once you've been together for so long, if you haven't got any kids it's just a big expensive day out for everyone else to enjoy, isn't it?

I'd heard street food was a big thing here in Mexico but I didn't think it meant the creatures that lived on the street.

I really can't believe what a state the Pyramids are in. I thought they had flat rendered sides, but when you get up close, you see how they are just giant boulders balanced on top of each other, like a massive game of Jenga that has got out of hand.

If you'd have told me five years ago that I'd have done all this - two books, some television and everything - I'd panic, I'd be scared.

If you sit in a bath of pineapple chunks, it can kill you. That's well documented.

It's not a joke: I really do like being at home.