Quotes from Karl Pilkington

You never see an old man eating a Twix

Stop looking at the walls, look out the window.

The problem is, these days you have to listen to too many parts of your body. Sometimes I go with my gut feeling, some say go with what your heart says - it's only a matter of time before my appendix will have an opinion. This is probably why there are so many helplines these days. No one knows who to bloody listen to!

I could eat a knob at night.

It wouldn't happen... There hasn't been one publication by a monkey

I sometimes wear headphones even though I'm not listening to anything just so I'm left alone. It's the next best thing to wearing a 'Do Not Disturb' sign.

There is no need for ants to have the ability to fly

it annoys me a bit how people like squirrels but not rats. at the end of the day they're the same thing, except that squirrels have had a better upbringing.

A dog has got human eyes.

Treat the world like a head.

This is the problem with over-crowded inner-city schools there aren't enough parts for everyone in the nativity story.

I thought the fart was a human thing. It's something to do with like, arse cheeks, or whatever.

The other day I was thinking - because I get a lot of headaches - I was wondering whether the head should be where it is. Because, at the end of the day, it's probably the heaviest part of your body, right? And yet it's at the top as opposed to, I don't, dangling at the bottom somewhere.

It's like there's some unwritten rule that if you're mates, you can say what you want to each other, and you don't really get that annoyed about it.

I think it's mental to pay for water. Where is that water coming from? Are they in the hills puttin' it into bottles when years ago it used to roll down and go into the lakes?

The reason I did the book about holidays is that you're a different person on holiday. You're sleeping somewhere unfamiliar, knocking about with people you've never met and for 10 days you're someone else. You're out of your comfortable zone.

At the end of the day, teachers aren't going to mess about trying to make me into an Einstein, 'cause it was never gonna happen. We can't all be brainy, can we? That's just the way the world is.

I say have the night and give people the awards, but why do people want to watch people win awards? What are they getting out of it? I don't quite get it. Because they have awards all the time; there's awards for butchers, the best meat served, but they don't televise it. I don't know why they do it for films or TV programs.

I've done some luxury flying, which is brilliant. It has only happened once or twice, but it was nice because flying is the worst part of the holiday. But then again, if the plane crashes, you're still dead. For that much money I'd want a little capsule that whizzed me off to safety if it was going to crash.

I mean, I don't really go out at night in terms of noisy, busy places; I prefer more of a quiet corner somewhere.

We'll all die out eventually. Humans will be gone. And all I'm saying is, when people worry about polar bears disappearing or whatever, it's like, 'Well that's life, things will come and go, we'll find new species.'

The cafe was called Tattoos. The fella who owned it didn't have any tattoos... but we never saw his wife.

You never get an angry man suddenly breaking into a whistle.

I've never understood the 'things to do before you die' idea. If I was ill, I'd be in no mood to have a swim with a dolphin.