Quotes from Karl Pilkington

Whether it's a relationship or a toaster that's broken, they just replace it. You're bound to fall out and have arguments and you should work at getting the relationship back together, but nobody wants to any more.

We always interfere with nature. I think if tennis players continue to wear headbands they will end up killing off eyebrows, as they're there to catch sweat.

I'm convinced the reason they don't make James Bond movies anymore is because the stunts he used to do no longer impress us as people do that stuff on a wet Thursday afternoon in an office team building session. Even sweaty Pete from IT manages to get his fat arse into a jumpsuit so he can do a tandem jump with his head of

I don't mind watching comedians telling jokes on the telly, as you don't have to react, but if someone tells me a joke to my face I feel under pressure to find it amusing.

To be honest, today's runners may as well go back to being nude as them Lycra pants they wear don't really hide much, do they? It's plain to see that if Usain Bolt went back to the old ways of running in the nude he would have an advantage getting over the finish line before anyone else. It

People always tell me I'm going to regret not having kids. But what if I have one and then I regret having it? Has anyone thought of that option?

going they hadn't heard of it either.

There's non-stop movie work for dwarves these days if they want it. I think it's because a lot of people are watching movies on iPads – they fit on the screen better.

People say having kids is life changing, well that doesn't necessarily mean a good thing, does it? I could take one of my legs off. That would change me life.

I must be so lucky, as I'd been using the boiler without the plastic ring for ages and me and Suzanne are still alive (I wish there was a sarcasm font).

I had a coconut on the way, which was another first for me. A drink and food all in one. It didn't look like the normal coconuts you win at fairgrounds. There was no hair on it. I don't know if that's how they grow here or if it's that Brazilians hate hair on anything and they've waxed them.

If you're worrying about the colour of your anus, things must be good, as you can't have proper worries in your life.

The only memory I have was how the wrestler's balls that were thrust into my face left a saltiness on my lips.

Got back and went to use the loo in Room 5 and was shocked at the state of it. Christian the producer was not well and had made a mess of it and the walls surrounding it. Even the cockroaches were running out the door. For the first time in my life I was aware that my face did a disgusted look. I decided I'd rather do it on the street than sit in there.

from the ceiling but made little difference. I sat wondering if it was part of Brazilian tradition to invite someone to stay but then fuck off out for the evening. Seems a bit odd to me. I

You can have too much of a good thing. It's like when I bought the box set of The Sopranos. I loved the first few, and even though it was still good, after that I just couldn't take any more.

What about email? You got email on your phone?' Ricky 'Yeah, but I don't really wanna answer them 'cos they're like 70 pence a time or something. I got an email from Oxfam, saying if I wanted to buy some goat again. That's cost me a quid.' Karl

Ahmed told me they were expanding the museum so it could fit more tourists inside, but I think this will just encourage the museum people to put even more old boxes on display. It's interesting to see that people had so much clutter even thousands of years ago. The only way to get rid of it all was to bury it, and then some archaeologist went and dug it all up. Humans

Me in a one-man tent crouching over carrier bag. It's not just the lowest point of the trip. It's the lowest point ever. In 38 years.

You never see an old man eating a Twix

The only reason you don't go on holiday, is 'cause you have to spend money.

For me, a good holiday is about value for money rather than things to see.

I don't watch much telly, the telly hardly goes on, but the things I do watch are sort of nature programs, and something about the oceans and the amount of weird fish that's in there.

The Elephant Man would never have gotten up and gone, 'Oh, God. Look at me hair today.'