Quotes from Rita Rudner

Men are less sentimental than women. No man has ever seen the movie THE WAY WE WERE twice, voluntarily.

I did six Broadway shows, and I noticed there weren't many female comedians. When I went to a dancing audition, there were 1,000 girls. And there were three jobs. So I said I'll just try comedy. And I loved it.

I gave my father $100 and said, "Buy yourself something that will make your life easier." So he went out and bought a present for my mother.

A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax.

I don't plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.

Most of the men sitting in first class on an airplane have really boring jobs.

An amicable divorce is like a ventilated condom; it just doesn't work.

I had the most boring office job in the world...I used to clean the windows on envelopes.

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.

It's so great to find that one special person You want to annoy for the rest of your life.

I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for 36 hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for 36 hours.

I'm not a person who likes authority. I just love the fact that it's up to me, and I go straight to the audience.

Have children while your parents are still young enough to take care of them.

Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.

Beer is good food

Most turkeys taste better the day after, my mother's tasted better the day before

I don't think jogging is healthy, especially morning jogging. If morning joggers knew how tempting they looked to morning motorists, they would stay home and do sit-ups.

Halloween was confusing. All my life my parents said, "Never take candy from strangers." And then they dressed me up and said, "Go beg for it." I didnt know what to do! I'd knock on peoples doors and go, "Trick or treat." "No thank you."

The older theory was, marry an older man because they're more mature. But the new theory is men don't mature. Marry a younger one.

Not one man in a beer commercial has a beerbelly.

You know the oxygen masks on airplanes? I don't think there's really any oxygen. I think they're just to muffle the screams.

Yes, I've now got this nice little apartment in New York, one of those L-shaped ones. Unfortunately, it's a lower case l.

I know I want to have children while my parents are still young enough to take care of them.

Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.