Quotes from Rita Rudner

Men will now get up and walk with the baby in the middle of the night, change its diapers, and give it a bottle, but in their heart of hearts they still think they shouldn't have to.

They usually have two tellers in my local bank, except when it's very busy, when they have one.

Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.

My cousin just got married for the totally wrong reasons. She married a man for money. She wasn't real subtle about it. Instead of calling him her fiancé, she kept calling him her financee.

My Vegas act is how I make my money.

I knew so little about money I used to sign my check, "Love, Rita."

If you like easygoing monogamous men stay away from billionaires.

How can I have morning sickness when I don't get up till noon?

Men love to be the first to read the newspaper in the morning. Not being the first is upsetting to their psyches.

Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.

My mother was the worst cook ever. In school, when we traded lunches, I had to throw in an article of clothing.

Human nature is largely something that has to be overcome.

Men in high levels of government seldom surf.

Oh, my God. I've just told you how old I am. Nobody knows how old I am. I'm going to have to kill you now.

If I say a joke and the audience laughs it makes me feel good.

I burned sixty calories. That should take care of a peanut I had in 1962.

My father was never very friendly. When I was growing up, I thought the doorbell ringing was a signal to pretend you weren't home.

It wasn't that no one asked me to the prom, it was that no one would tell me where it was.

If a man prepares dinner for you and the salad contains three or more types of lettuce, he is serious.

Only men who have worn a ski suit understand how complicated it is for a woman to go to the bathroom when she's wearing a jumpsuit.

I admire the Pope. I have a lot of respect for anyone who can tour without an album.

I got kicked out of ballet class because I pulled a groin muscle. It wasn't mine.

If you buy your husband or boyfriend a video camera, for the first few weeks he has it, lock the door when you go to the bathroom. Most of my husband's early films end with a scream and a flush.

I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose.