Quotes from Rita Rudner

If your husband has difficulty getting to sleep, the words 'we need to talk about our relationship' may help.

I had the worst birthday party ever when I was a child because my parents hired a pony to give rides. And these ponies are never in good health. But this one dropped dead. It just wasn't much fun after that. One kid would sit on him and the rest of us would drag him around.

I don't want to push the envelope. Let the envelope stay in the middle of the table. I'll just make you laugh.

I love to sleep. Do you? Isn't it great? It really is the best of both worlds. You get to be alive and unconscious.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and say to myself well, that's not going to happen

Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need instant replay in sports. They've already forgotten what's happened.

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.

How come when you mix water and flour together you get glue...and then you add eggs and sugar and you get cake? Where does the glue go?

I never panic when I get lost. I just change where it is I want to go.

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpets or ruin our lives.

When I meet a man I ask myself, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?

When I met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always

Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' on what? On fire?

Neurotics build castles in the air, psychotics live in them. My mother cleans them.

Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times.

Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.

I had the most boring office job in the world...I used to clean the windows on envelopes.

My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married adn I didn't want him to.

My mother buried three husbands...and two of them were only napping.

When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.