Quotes from Rita Rudner

Whenever anything went wrong in my life, my mother would say, "All things happen for the best." And I'd ask, "Who's best?" And she'd say, "Gotta go."

My last credit card bill was so big. Before I opened it I actually heard a drum roll.

After you've dated someone it should be legal to stamp them with what's wrong with them, so the next person doesn't have to start from scratch.

Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.

My mom took up belly dancing. In order to make it appear like she was moving, my father and I had to jiggle the furniture in back of her.

When men break up they want to remain friends. Why? Why can't they just get lost?

I want to have children, but my friends scare me. One of my friends told me she was in labor for thirty-six hours. I don't even want to do anything that feels good for thirty-six hours.

You never know what you're going to get, and children have their own personalities immediately. I was watching little kids on a carousel. Some kids were jumping on the horses; some kids were afraid of the horses; some kids were betting on the horses.

When I was a girl I only had two friends, and they were imaginary. And they would only play with each other.

I'm not going to breast-feed. I've put this off so long, I'm sure my milk has expired.

After two years I said to my boyfriend, "Either tell me your name or it's over."

My husband thinks that health food is anything he eats before the expiration date.

I was going with someone for a few years, but we broke up. It was one of those things. He wanted to get married, and I didn't want him to.

I don't think jogging is healthy, especially morning jogging. If morning joggers knew how tempting they looked to morning motorists, they would stay home and do sit-ups.

When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.

The word aerobics came about when they gym instructors got together and said, "If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it jumping up and down."

Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need instant replays in sports.

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.

I love to shop after a bad relationship. I don't know. I buy a new outfit and it makes me feel better. It just does. Sometimes I see a really great outfit, I'll break up with someone on purpose.

Buying something on sale is a very special feeling. In fact, the less I pay for something, the more it is worth to me. I have a dress that I paid so little for that I am afraid to wear it. I could spill something on it, and then how would I replace it for that amount of money?

Men who consistently leave the toilet seat up secretly want women to get up to go the bathroom in the middle of the night and fall in.

I was a vegetarian until I started leaning toward the sunlight.

Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.

Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage — they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.