Quotes from Rita Rudner

The closest I ever came to a menage-a-trois was when I dated a schizophrenic.

Men who tell you they read the Ann Summers catalogue for the articles are lying.

In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.

My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?

My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.

Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?

Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times.

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

Love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.