Quotes from Rita Rudner

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' On what? On fire?

The word aerobics came about when the gym instructors got together and said, "If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it jumping up and down."

Have children while your parents are still young enough to take care of them.

I get a lot of return business. I think it's all those years I put in traveling around the country people saw me before and had a good time so they want to see me again.

My boyfriend and I broke up. He wanted to get married and I didn't want him to.

I was going to have cosmetic surgery until I noticed that the doctor's office was full of portraits by Picasso.

We've begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet - so we bought a dog. Well, it's cheaper, and you get more feet.

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

A man will go to war, fight and die for his country. But he won't get a bikini wax.

Life is tough enough without having someone kick you from the inside.

The old theory was "Marry an older man, because they're more mature." But the new theory is: "Men don't mature. Marry a younger one."

There are different kinds of humor, some is sarcastic, some introspective. Introspective fit my personality better.

My Vegas act is how I make my money.

Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love. I'd stepped in it a few times.

Before I met my husband, I'd never fallen in love, though I'd stepped in it a few times.

Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry. Rita Rudner

Most turkeys taste better the day after. My mother's tasted better the day before.

My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.

My mother is such a lousy cook that Thanksgiving at her house is a time of sorrow.

Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.

To attract men, I wear a perfume called ``New Car Interior.'

I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and say to myself "well, that's not going to happen

Whenever I date a guy, I think, 'Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?'

It takes six months to get into shape and two weeks to get out of shape. Once you know this you can stop being angry about other things in life and only be angry about this.