Quotes from Rita Rudner

My husband gave me a necklace. It's fake. I requested fake. Maybe I'm paranoid, but in this day and age, I don't want something around my neck that's worth more than my head.

I don't panic when I get lost. I just change where I want to go.

The airline oxygen masks don't really help you. They're just there to muffle the screams.

When I eventually met Mr. Right, I had no idea his first name was Always.

I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life

Her idea of a romantic setting is one that has a diamond in it. If you feel the need to marry a doctor, I suggest a dermatologist. Good hours, free Retin-A.

I hate learning through experience. Just once I'd like to learn something because someone was nice enough to tell me in advance.

Men reach their sexual peak at eighteen. Women reach theirs at thirty-five. Do you get the feeling that God is playing a practical joke?

When a woman tries on clothing from her closet that feels tight, she will assume she has gained weight. When a man tries on clothing from his closet that feels tight, he will assume the clothing has shrunk.

Halloween was confusing. All my life my parents said, "Never take candy from strangers." And then they dressed me up and said, "Go beg for it." I didn't know what to do! I'd knock on people's doors and go, "Trick or treat." "No thank you."

I was asking my friend who has children, "What if I have a baby and I dedicate my life to it and it grows up to hate me. And it blames everything wrong with its life on me." And she said, "What do you mean, 'if'?"

My husband's car goes from zero to sixty in ten seconds, and that makes him happy. I just don't know why he'd ever want to do that. Maybe someday he'll find an open stretch of road and play Frisbee with himself.

It gets harder to name children when you get older. Because by the time you're in your thirties every name you think of reminds you of someone you hate. We have to hurry; we're down to Jethro and Nefertiti.

These big birthday parties my friends make for their kids. One of my friends had a surprise party for her child. He was one year old. We all snuck in around the crib, jumped up, and yelled, "Surprise!" He's in therapy now.

They've put warning labels on liquor. "Caution: Alcohol can be dangerous to pregnant women." Did you read that? That's ironic. If it weren't for alcohol, most women would never be that way.

What are men wearing? Why do they think women like horse saddles and pine sap? If a man wanted me to follow him down the street, he should wear something called "Butter Cookie" or, even better, "Croissant."

Men don't feel the urge to get married as quickly as women do because their clothes all button and zip in the front. Women's dresses usually button and zip in the back. We need men emotionally and sexually, but we also need men to help us get dressed.

Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.

They usually have two tellers in my local bank. Except when it's very busy, when they have one.

My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.

There is truth in what they say about the sexes. Men like cars; women like clothes. I also like cars because they take me to clothes.

I had the worst birthday party ever when I was a child, because my parents hired a pony to give rides. These ponies are never in good health, but this one dropped dead. It just wasn't much fun after that. One kid would sit on him and the rest of us would drag him around in a circle.

This one girl I saw in Playboy was so amazing. I don't think she had silicone; I think she had helium. She was so big I couldn't keep the magazine closed.

If you want to get rid of a man, I suggest saying, "I love you. I want to marry you. I want to have your children." Sometimes they leave skid marks.