Quotes from Rita Rudner

My mother's mother is a very tough cookie. She buried three husbands. Two of them were just napping.

When four or more men get together, they talk about sports.

Never play peek-a-boo with a child on a long plane trip. There's no end to the game. Finally I grabbed him by the bib and said, "Look, it's always gonna be me!"

You are always trying to please people before you get to the public whenever you do anything that requires a corporate body to sanction it.

I'm a very simple person. I'm very shallow. Shallow, simple, easily pleased: that's me.

I found out I had a real love for comedy and comedy writing. The logic was, there weren't too many female comedians, so I thought I might as well try a field that had fewer competitors than the field I was in, which was acting, singing and dancing.

I get so happy when I write a joke. It's a very satisfying, liberating feeling.

I never panic when I get lost. I just change where it is I want to go.

While I do occasionally order items on the Internet, it's hard to teach an old shopper new tricks. I'm convinced that the catalogue will eventually disappear, but not until the last baby boomers have kicked off their smelly Nikes and been buried in mulch.

On my tombstone it will say: 'I tried everything - nothing was easy.'

All men are afraid of eyelash curlers. They don't understand them, and they don't want to get near them. I sleep with one under my pillow, instead of a gun.

I was going with someone for a few years, but we broke up. It was one of those things. He wanted to get married, and I didn't want him to.

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and boughr jewelry.

When I eventually met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always.

When men break up they want to remain friends. Why? Why can't they just get lost?

If it's attention you want, don't get involved with a man during play-off season.

I get a lot of return business. I think it's all those years I put in traveling around the country; people saw me before and had a good time so they want to see me again.

I like whomever to come to my shows. I want people who want to see me to come see me. I don't want to force people. I don't want it to feel like a job!

I think the most important thing about learning comedy is to start from who you are. If you begin the process by imitating what you perceive to be a comedy rhythm, you will get laughs sooner, but you will not be unique.

Men don't get cellulite. God might just be a man.

Most men are secretly still mad at their mothers for throwing away their comic books. They would be valuable now.

All men look at Dr. Ruth and wonder how she has gained all that sexual experience.

Age 35. — I just read that men reach their sexual peak at 18. Women reach their sexual peak at 35. Do you get the feeling that God is into practical jokes? We're reaching our sexual peak right around the same time they're discovering they have a favorite chair.