Quotes from Rita Rudner

Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.

Marriages don't last. When I meet a guy, the first question I ask myself is: is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?

Men would like monogamy better if it sounded less like monotony.

A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.

I don't like when there's too much conversation because I'm shy and it makes me uncomfortable.

Women take clothing much more seriously than men. I've never seen a man walk into a party and say "Oh, my God, I'm so embarrassed; get me out of here. There's another man wearing a black tuxedo.

Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need instant replay in sports. They've already forgotten what's happened.

Impulse buying is not macho. Men rarely call the Home Shopping Network.

Men like cars, women like clothes. Women only like cars because they take them to clothes.

Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible; in a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.

Men own basketball teams. Every year cheerleaders' outfits get tighter and briefer, and players' shorts get baggier and longer.

Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public. They can learn in private; in public they have to know.

I had no desire to be a stand-up comic until I decided to do it.

I just read that men reach their sexual peak at 18. Women reach their sexual peak at 35. Do you get the feeling that God is into practical jokes? We're reaching our sexual peak right around the same time they're discovering they have a favorite chair.

Why are women wearing perfumes that smell like flowers to attract men? Men don't like flowers. I have a great idea for a scent that will attract men - how about "New Car Interior"?

Men accept compliments much better than women do. Example: "Mitch, you look great." Mitch: "Thanks." On the other side: "Ruth, you look great." Ruth: "I do? Must be the lighting."

Men who drink herbal teas are seldom serial killers.

Men have higher body temperatures than women. If your heating goes out in winter, I recommend sleeping next to a man. Men are like portable heaters that snore.

Men are self-confident because they grow up identifying with super-heroes. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.

Most women are introspective: "Am I in love? Am I emotionally and creatively fulfilled?" Most men are outrospective: "Did my team win? How's my car?"

Men have an easier time buying bathing suits. Women have two types: depressing and more depressing. Men have two types: nerdy and not nerdy.

Commitment is different in males and females. In females it is a desire to get married and raise a family. In males it means not picking up other women while out with one's girlfriend.

Men who can eat anything they want and not gain weight should do it out of sight of the women they're married to.

Men have better self-images than women. You know what I've never seen in a men's magazine? A makeover.