Quotes from Jerry Seinfeld

I do a little thing about the way people shake the sweetener packet. You know, like they're all excited. I want to get all the granules down to one end. I love all these rituals.

You can be passionate about anything.

As a comedian, I found this thing, this profession, that suits my mind and life force. To drop it to do something else? I just don't get that.

We want to do a lot of stuff; we're not in great shape. We didn't get a good night's sleep. We're a little depressed. Coffee solves all these problems in one delightful little cup.

I don't want to hear the specials. If they're so special, put 'em on the menu.

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

If you're a surfer, you just want to surf. You don't know if anyone's going to see you, and you don't really care if they see you. You just live for that feeling.

When men are growing up and they're reading about Batman, Spiderman, Superman ... those are not fantasies ... they're options.

Have you ever seen that guy who has the record for fattest man in the world? Bob Hughes, the fattest man in the world... 1400 pounds. Ladies and gentlemen, the man has let himself go.

Dogs have no money. Isn't that amazing? They're broke their entire lives. But they get through. You know why dogs have no money? .. No Pockets.

Dating is pressure and tension. What is a date, really, but a job interview that lasts all night?

Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.

The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

I wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?

I feel like humor is the answer to everything. If you have a little bit of humor in the shaker and you can sprinkle that on, that's your answer.

It's hard to do nothing because you tend to do something and then you have to drop everything.

You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish.

I can walk through a hotel lobby and watch people at the desk and see what they're doing. People don't look at me. They don't even know I'm there.

You know, crankiness is at the essence of all comedy.

I do probably 60 concerts a year in the States. And I go out to clubs in the week. I'm doing new stuff all the time.

I'm a big believer than a great bit is a great bit - if I go and see someone I love, like Robert Klein. I want to hear some classics and some new stuff. But a great stand-up bit takes a long time to really polish and perfect, and they're beautiful things when they're done.

People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.