Quotes from Jerry Seinfeld

The first real thought that I had of something that I might do was to write for car magazines, because I always had a car thing.

When I jumped off a roof in Cannes in a bee costume, I looked ridiculous. But this is my business I have to humiliate myself.

As a child, the only clear thought I had was "Get candy."

I love being a dad. I just love it.

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

Men want to make women happy.

The truth is, I had always wanted to be a comedian, but I really didn't have that kind of personality, and it's a terrifying thing to say.

I've compiled a book from the Internet. It's a book of quotations attributed to the wrong people.

Men want the same thing from women that they want from their underwear... a little support, comfort, and freedom.

The whole object of comedy is to be yourself and the closer you get to that, the funnier you will be.

You can be passionate about anything. Pay attention, don't let life go by you. Fall in love with the back of your cereal box.

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.

A bookstore is one of the only pieces of physical evidence we have that people are still thinking.

Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.

What I don't understand is how women can pour hot wax on their bodies, let it dry, then rip out every single hair by its root and still be scared of spiders.

According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.

Elaine: Ugh, I hate people. Jerry: Yeah, they're the worst.

Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there. I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

If I want a long boring story with no point to it, I have my life.

Why do people give each other flowers? To celebrate various important occasions, they're killing living creatures? Why restrict it to plants? 'Sweetheart, let's make up. Have this deceased squirrel.

You know the message you're sending out to the world with these sweatpants? You're telling the world, 'I give up. I can't compete in normal society. I'm miserable, so I might as well be comfortable.

Life is truly a ride. We're all strapped in and no one can stop it. When the doctor slaps your behind, he's ripping your ticket and away you go. As you make each passage from youth to adulthood to maturity, sometimes you put your arms up and scream, sometimes you just hang on to that bar in front of you. But the ride is the thing. I think the most you can hope for at the end of life is that your hair's messed, you're out of breath, and you didn't throw up.