Quotes from Jerry Seinfeld

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.

And that's when I realized, when you're a kid you don't need a costume, you ARE superman.

I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.

When you interrupt, you've stopped listening. People need to be heard.

I don't wanna be a Pirate!!!!

No soup for you

Let's face it: a date is a job-interview, that lasts all night. The only difference between a date and a job interview is: not many job-interviews is there a chance you'll end up naked at the end of it.

Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You don't stare at it. It's too risky. Ya get a sense of it and then you look away.

You'll fold faster than Superman on laundry day

I am so busy doing nothing... that the idea of doing anything - which as you know, always leads to something - cuts into the nothing and then forces me to have to drop everything.

Forty is when you actually begin even deserving to be on stage telling people what you think.

If I want a long, boring story with no point to it, I have my life.

Make no mistake about why these babies are here - they are here to replace us.

There are very few people who really appreciate my shows. People come to the show and they pay and they enjoy it, but I don't really think most people really understand what they've seen.

For me, it's a purity thing about the joke itself. It's a test of a joke whether or not you do it completely clean and it works. If it does, then that's a legitimate item you have there. For me, it's nothing to do with finding those words offensive. It's just not what I'm in search of. Do it clean, and you are really earning that laugh.

Keep your head up in failure, and your head down in success.

You can tell what was the best year of your father's life, because they seem to freeze that clothing style and ride it out.

Nothing in life is fun for the whole family. There are no massage parlors with ice cream and free jewelry.

I have no interest in gender or race or anything like that. But everyone else is kind of, with their calculating - is this the exact right mix? I think that's - to me it's anti-comedy. It's more about PC-nonsense.

I don't need you to be funny. I don't want to be entertained.

You don't even really need a place. But you feel like you're doing something. That is what coffee is. And that is one of the geniuses of the new coffee culture.

My theory is 98 percent of all human endeavor is killing time.

To me, if life boils down to one thing, it's movement. To live is to keep moving.

I can't eat chicken and look at strippers at the same time.