Quotes from Jerry Seinfeld

There's no way that moving in with your parents is a sign that your life is on track.

Surveys show that the #1 fear of Americans is public speaking. #2 is death. That means that at a funeral, the average American would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.

According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked."

Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.

That's the true spirit of Christmas; people being helped by people other than me.

The big advantage of a book is that it's very easy to rewind. Close it and you're right back at the beginning.

I didn't know every day I would be discussing the tone of my voice with my wife. I thought it was a marriage. Apparently, it's a musical.

I'll tell you what I like about Chinese people: they're hanging in there with the chop sticks, aren't they? You know they've seen the fork. They're staying with the sticks.

Why would anybody want a friend?

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

My parents didn't want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that's the law.

I was the best man at the wedding. If I'm the best man, why is she marrying him?