Quotes from Jerry Seinfeld

I like money, but it's never been about the money.

It's good to play, and you must keep in practice.

I was the best man at the wedding. So why is she marrying him?

The number-one fear in life is public speaking, and the number-two fear is death. This means that if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than giving the eulogy.

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.

Crankiness is at the essence of all comedy. My wife and I were discussing the different types of cranky. There's entertaining cranky, annoying cranky, angry cranky.

We sold 'Seinfeld' all over the world but it was a very specific kind of show. In some countries it went down really well, in others they hated it.

Being a good husband is like being a good stand-up comic - you need ten years before you can even call yourself a beginner.

If you go to a bad movie, it's two hours. If you're in a bad movie, it's two years.

It takes up enough of my time and interest just working on comedy. I just enjoy it and love doing it.

I know I'm not going to understand women. I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

Women go after doctors like men go after models. They want someone with knowledge of the body. We just want the body.

I think of myself more as a sportsman than I do an artist.

If you get something right, you really feel it, right in your chest, on stage. I think it's an incomparable experience.

If professional wrestling did not exist, could you come up with this idea? Could you envision the popularity of huge men in tiny bathing suits, pretending to fight?

The Internet offers opportunities that are more unique than ever before. With TV, I know I'm making 22 minutes; I know there's a commercial in the middle. With the Internet, no one knows anything. No rules.

What I don't understand is how women can pour hot wax on their bodies, let it dry, then rip out every single hair by its root and still be scared of spiders.

Men, as an organization, are getting more women than any other group working anywhere in the world. Wherever women are, we have men looking into it.

Men want to make women happy.

I don't understand women at all. Like how a women can pour boiling hot wax onto their upper thigh, then rip the hair out by the root... and still be afraid of a spider.

Once you start doing only what you've already proven you can do, you're on the road to death.

Funny is the world I live in. You're funny, I'm interested. You're not funny, I'm not interested.

I won't do something unless I can get at least two or three good laughs out of it. If I can't, it's not gonna make the team.

After you get a job and before you have to do it. Nothing beats that.