Quotes from Jerry Seinfeld

I don't want to be too critical of what other people do, but when people go back to do the same thing that they did, I'm completely confused. I'm like, 'Didn't you make that movie already?' I've been very fortunate, and I'm well taken care of, so the least I can do is try to go forward.

You want to do good things, and once you've done a couple of good things in a row, you think 'Well gee, let's not mess this up.' But I am lucky at this point that I have something I really love to do, and it completely holds my attention. I never feel frustrated by it.

I like definitive things.

When someone does a small task beautifully, their whole environment is affected by it.

According to most studies, people's number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two! Does that sound right? That means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you're better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.

People who read the tabloids deserve to be lied to.

Having a two-year-old is like having a blender that you don't have the top for.

If aliens are watching us through telescopes, they're going to think the dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge?

The Christmas tree inspires a love/hate relationship. All that time spent selecting and decorating, and a week after, you see it by the side of the road, like a mob hit. A car slows down, a door opens and a tree rolls out. People snap out of Christmas spirit like it was a drunken stupor, "There's a tree inside the house! Throw it anywhere."

I'm getting sick of pretending to be excited every time it's somebody's birthday. What is the big deal? How many times do we have to celebrate that someone was born? Every year, over and over. All you did was not die for twelve months. That's all you've done, as far as I can tell.

A man is paralyzed mentally by a beautiful woman, and advertisers take advantage. Like those ads where a woman in the bikini is next to a 32-piece ratchet set. We're going, "She's right next to the ratchet set, if I had the ratchet set, it would mean that . . . I better just buy the ratchets."

You know why fish are so thin? They eat fish.

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God's final word on where your lips end.

A bookstore is one of the only pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.

The hardest part about being a clown, it seems to me, would be that you're constantly referred to as a clown. "Who was that clown?" "I'm not working with that clown. Did you hire that clown?" "The guy's a clown!"

They design the car alarm so it will behave as if it was a nervous hysterical person. Anyone goes near it, disturbs it, "Aaaaaahhhhhhh!" Lights flashing on and off, acting all crazy. Wouldn't it be nice to have a car alarm that was a little more subtle? Somebody tries to break in, it goes, "Ahem. Ahem. Excuse me?"

When someone's using an ATM, you want to be about six feet back. People get edgy around that ATM. They got their money out, their eyes are darting around. The other place I wanna be six feet away is urinals. ATMs and urinals–whenever someone's taking something valuable out of their pants you want to give them as much room as possible.

When I was a kid, I could taste the difference between different colored M&Ms. I thought the red was heartier, more of a main course M&M. And the light brown was a mellower, kind of after-dinner M.

Coffee's a drink that encourages a lot of accessories. Coffee cake, coffee table, coffee table book . . . . Say what you want about alcohol, but not only are there not a lot of optional accessories, alcohol actually helps you get rid of things. Family, home, job, driver's license.

When people are complimented on what they're wearing, they accept as if it was about them. "Nice tie." "Thank you very much!" That's the job of clothes: to get compliments, because it's hard to get them based on human qualities. No matter how nice you are, nobody will say, "Nice person." It's easier to be a bastard and match the colors up.

There's no such thing as fun for the whole family.

Responsible, who wants to be responsible? Whenever something bad happens it's always, who's responsible for this?

Ever let your parakeet out of its cage? My parakeet will fly across the room, right into the mirror. . . . He will hit that mirror: Bang! He's so stupid. Even if he thought the mirror was another room, you'd think he'd try to avoid hitting the other parakeet.

There is no such thing as an attention span. People have infinite attention if you are entertaining them.