Quotes from Jerry Seinfeld

What is a date, really, but a job interview that lasts all night? The only difference is that in not many job interviews is there a chance you'll wind up naked.

Baseball is so associated with sex. "He's playing the field," "He scored," "He didn't get to first base." "I struck out." Why? "She wanted a diamond."

Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.

I've been living in this apartment for years, and every time I paint it, it's a little bit smaller. The thickness of the paint keeps coming in closer. I don't even know where the wall outlets are anymore. I look for a lump with two slots in it. Looks like a pig is trying to push his way through from the other side. That's where I plug in.

It's amazing that the amount of news that happens in the world every day always just exactly fits the newspaper.

I really feel as human beings, we need more training in our basic social skills. Conversational distance: Don't you hate these people that talk into your mouth like you're a clown at a drive-through?

Marriage is like a game of chess except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.

Dogs are the leaders of the planet. If you see two life forms, one of them's making a poop, the other one's carrying it for him, who would you assume is in charge.

To me, if life boils down to one thing, it's movement. To live is to keep moving.

Seems to me the basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we're doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They're very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur.

Once you start doing only what you've already proven you can do, you're on the road to death.

Men don't care what's on TV. They only care what else is on TV.

Everybody lies about sex. People lie during sex. If it weren't for lies, there'd be no sex.

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.

It's hard to do nothing because you tend to do something and then you have to drop everything.

Oh, volunteer work! That's what I like about the holiday season. That's the true spirit of Christmas. People being helped by people other than me.

Well, all comedy starts with anger. You get angry, and its never for a good reason, right? You know its not a good reason. And then you try and work it from there.

You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.'

Being a good husband is like being a stand-up comic. You need 10 years before you can even call yourself a beginner.

Work is the least important thing and family is the most important.

The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!

Somebody just gave me a shower radio. Thanks a lot. Do you really want music in the shower? I guess there's no better place to dance than a slick surface next to a glass door.

There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, 'I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked.'

That's the true spirit of Christmas people being helped by people other than me.