Quotes from Jerry Seinfeld

Ainda não sei ao certo de onde vêm as piadas. Talvez de uma mistura emocional de tédio, agressividade, intensa acuidade visual e outro tipo de agilidade da mente que nos permite transformar o que vemos naquilo que queremos ver

I think that comedy makes everyone feel weightless. The weight of whatever their troubles, or the weight of life, and in that moment, when you're laughing, it's like you're free of earth's gravity.

The hospital is: Rest. Cleanliness. And if it doesn't work out, they help you get to the next place. When you walk in the sign says "Hospital," but it could also be: Bed, Bath and Beyond.

Grape-Nuts is a mysterious product. You open the box, pour it in the bowl, no grapes, no nuts. What's the story?

Gutter Ball You don't think we're horrible parents? You take a kid bowling now, they have these rails that come up out of the gutters. So when the stupid kid rolls the ball, it has to hit a pin. Has to. We eliminated the gutter ball. Nice preparation for life. I think the gutter ball is really the only life lesson a kid really needs to have. You either do the thing you're doing right, or there's a huge ka-klunk sound

The real motivation of being a comedian is if you really love the sound of a laugh.

All life is about the company you keep. All enjoyment is about the company you keep. A gourmet meal with an asshole is a horrible meal. A hot dog with an interesting person is an amazing meal. - Chris Rock

Well that's it, I give up. I really don't know what the women are thinking. I've talked with them. I've studied them. I've asked them to study me. And I have to admit I am still at aquare one.

I believe we're all secretly happy we can't figure our relationships out. It keeps our minds working.

What is a date really, but a job interview that lasts all night?

The best part of a relationship is when you're sick. And the best time to be sick is in a relationship.

When you're married, you are a part of a vast decision making body. Before anything is accomplished, there's got to be meetings, committees have to study the situation.

Friends, family, school, they were just obstacles in the way of getting more books.

All plans between men are tentative. If one man should suddenly have an opportunity to pursue a woman, it's like these two guys never met each other in life. This is the male code.

Nothing compares with the paperweight as a bad gift. To me, there's no better way than a paperweight to express to someone, I refused to put any thought into this at all.

What men want is to do whatever the hell stupid thing it is that we're doing, and if you could please just leave me the hell alone and let me do it, I think we'll both be a lot happier.

A lot of stuff I do out of pure obsessiveness.

I think it's funny to be delicate with subjects that are explosive.

What's the point of dating without games? How do you know if you're winning or losing?

You spend so much time in the world of virtual that the actual - which nothing is more actual than stand-up - it's a painful experience for the audience, and the comedian a lot of time - we miss that.

Well, birthdays are merely symbolic of how another year has gone by and how little we've grown. No matter how desperate we are that someday a better self will emerge, with each flicker of the candles on the cake, we know it's not to be, that for the rest of our sad, wretched pathetic lives, this is who we areto the bitter end. Inevitably, irrevocably; happy birthday? No such thing.

The Four Levels of Comedy: Make your friends laugh, Make strangers laugh, Get paid to make strangers laugh, and Make people talk like you because it's so much fun.

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.

There is no such thing as fun for the whole family.