Quotes from Jerry Seinfeld

You can measure distance by time. 'How far away is it?' 'Oh about 20 minutes.' But it doesn't work the other way. 'When do you get off work?' 'Around 3 miles.'

Writer's block is a phony, made up, BS excuse for not doing your work.

Well, Howard Stern has been doing his impression of me for years. It doesn't really bother me.

Being a stand-up is my mission in life; it's my passion. My ongoing goal is to simply be funny, on my own, in front of a roomful of strangers.

The Beatles created something that never trailed off. What a gift that was to their fans. If you're into the Beatles, you loved them from beginning to end.

I'll tell you one thing, since I'm married, single people look absolutely ridiculous to me.

Having a two-year-old is like having a blender that you don't have the top for.

Marriage is like a game of chess, except the board is flowing water, the pieces are made of smoke and no move you make will have any effect on the outcome.

Well, all comedy starts with anger. You get angry, and its never for a good reason, right? You know its not a good reason. And then you try and work it from there.

Maybe if we lie down our brains will work.

Why would you want to work for a living if you could just joke around? Being a celebrity expands your commercial possibilities.

Work is the least important thing and family is the most important.

You know you're getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It's like, 'See if you can blow this out.'

A bookstore is one of the many pieces of evidence we have that people are still thinking.

The IRS! They're like the Mafia, they can take anything they want!

The basic conflict between men and women, sexually, is that men are like firemen. To men, sex is an emergency, and no matter what we're doing we can be ready in two minutes. Women, on the other hand, are like fire. They're very exciting, but the conditions have to be exactly right for it to occur.

I'm in the unfortunate position of having to consider other people's feelings

i chose not to run

Festivus for the Restivus!

I don't understand women at all. Like how a women can pour boiling hot wax onto their upper thigh, then rip the hair out by the root... and still be afraid of a spider.

Keep your head up in failure, and your head down in success.

Once you start doing only what you've already proven you can do, you're on the road to death.

You see, that's the true spirit of Christmas: people being helped by people other than me.

If you're a surfer, you just want to surf. You don't know if anyone's going to see you, and you don't really care if they see you. You just live for that feeling.