Quotes from Jerry Seinfeld

I love Amazon 1-Click ordering. Because if it takes two clicks, I don't even want it anymore.

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason.

Being funny is one of the ultimate weapons a person can have in human society.

Looking at cleavage is like looking at the sun. You can't stare at it. It's too risky. You get a sense of it and then you look away.

But the health clubs are a little too strict. What's with the high level of security? The picture IDs, the security guards, the people signing in and out... What is this, NORAD? I mean the people that have a membership go twice a year, who's breaking in? And what if they catch the person, what then? They run. That's aerobic, makes it even worse.

The funniest part of that joke is, 'say what you will about Hitler'. -to Ricky Gervais on Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee

There is no such thing as love for the whole family.

No, no. It's not your fault. 'Books, books, I need my books.' Have you re-read those books yet, by the way? - Jerry, Seinfeld

Sometimes I want to go back to the old flip phone. One of those old-people ones that they advertise on TV with the giant buttons like floor tiles.

Of course we all try and save time. Cutting corners, little short cuts. But no matter how much time you save, at the end of your life, there's no extra time saved up. You'll be going what do you mean there's no time?

we are all trying to get to the same island, whether you swim, fly, surf or skydiving. What matters is when the red light comes on. Jerry Seinfeld to Michael Richards in Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee.

I remember thinking, "Well, but I wouldn't have to be that funny anyway. I would just have to be funny enough to buy a loaf of Wonder bread and a jar of Skippy peanut butter a week." I could easily survive on that.

Adulthood is the ability to be totally bored and remain standing.

Every other man is looking great saint after marriage.

A two-year-old is kind of like having a blender, but you don't have a top for it.

We are all trying to get to the same island, whether you swim, fly, surf or skydiving. What matters is when the red light comes on. - to Michael Richards in Comedians in Cars Getting Coffee.

When you are driving, you're outside and inside, moving and completely still, all at the same time. I think that's something.

I love those small airplane bathrooms. It's like your own little apartment on the plane. You go in, close the door, the light comes right on. It's a little surprise part every time you go in.

The most annoying thing about the couple of times that I worked in office is that when you show up in the morning you say hi to everyone and then for some reason, you have to continue to greet these people all day every time you see them.

Grandpa, you mean when you were a kid, no dogs could vote?" "That's right, Jimmy. They had no say in the world at all. They were just pets." "Woww…

Being a good husband is like being a stand-up comic. You need 10 years before you can call yourself a beginner.

I am completely obsessed. And the audience wants that; they pay for that. I don't want to see someone who's kind of into it. ... That's what I care about. That's all I care about. I don't care what you do—I just want to see people and talk to people and be around people who are into it.

Pain is knowledge rushing in to fill a void with great speed

How come every day there's exactly the right amount of news to fill the paper?