Quotes from Mitch Hedberg

My fake plants died because I did not pretend to water them.

I wish my name was Brian because maybe sometimes people would misspell my name and call me Brain. That's like a free compliment and you don't even gotta be smart to notice it.

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

I find that ducks' opinion of me is greatly influenced by whether or not I have bread.

I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it.

Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. "Goddamn it, Otto, you are an alcoholic." "Goddamn it, Otto, you have Lupus." One of those two doesn't sound right.

I got into an argument with my girlfriend inside a tent. A tent is not a good place for an argument. I tried to walk out on her and had to slam the flap.

I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.

I have an underwater camera just in case I crash my car into a river, and at the last minute I see a photo opportunity.

I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that.

To me, the most blatant example of cruelty to animals is the rotisserie. It's just a really morbid Ferris wheel for chickens.

I know a lot about cars. I can look at a car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how good I get, I'll never be as good as a wall.

I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammible and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit.

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

A waffle is like a pancake with a syrup trap.

Why is Cloud 9 so amazing? What is wrong with Cloud 8? That joke came off the top of my head, and the top of my head ain't funny!

I'm a heroine addict. I need to have sex with women who have saved someone's life.

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

Every time I go and shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving. So I say, 'I'm gonna go shave, too.'

All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.

If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.