Quotes from Mitch Hedberg

I don't get the regular AIDS test anymore. I get the roundabout AIDS test. I ask my friend Brian, "Do you know anybody who has AIDS?". He says, "No". I say, "Cool, because you know me."

I like to hold the microphone cord like this, I pinch it together, then I let it go, then you hear a whole bunch of jokes at once.

I don't have a microwave oven, but I do have a clock that occasionally cooks stuff.

If my kid couldn't draw I'd make sure that my kitchen magnets didn't work.

My girlfriend works at Hooters. In the kitchen.

I got a business card because I wanna win some lunches. That's what my business card says: Mitch Hedberg, Potential Lunch Winner. Gimme a call, maybe we'll have lunch. If I'm lucky!

If you want to talk to me after the show, I'd be surprised.

I had a chicken finger that was so big, it was a chicken hand.

I want to make a vending machine that sells vending machines. It'd have to be real big.

That would be cool if the earth's crust was made out of graham cracker. It would disappear just like the ozone layer, but for completely different reasons.

I wrote my friend a letter using a highlighting pen. But he could not read it, he thought I was trying to show him certain parts of a piece of paper.

Why are there no "during" pictures?

I got some tartar-control toothpaste a while back. I've still got tartar, but it's under control.

I would like to go fishing and catch a fish stick. That would be convenient. I could easily get a job at Mrs. Paul's.

I think pickles are cucumbers that sold out. They sold their soul to the devil, and the devil is dill.

I was booked into the Riviera Hotel in Las Vegas with three other comedians. We all were using the Riviera in-house shampoo, so we all had equal shine and bounce.

XM radio doesn't have commercials, so after about thirty minutes of listening to it, I'm like, "What should I buy?"

I got a smoke alarm at home, but really it's more like a 9-volt-battery-slowly-drainer.

I'm an ice sculptor. Last night I made a cube.

I did a radio interview; the DJ's first question was "Who are you?" I had to think. Is this guy really deep, or did I drive to the wrong station?

I've never stayed at a bed and breakfast. If I did, I figure you would start to get hungry! "Is that all you got around here? Well, maybe you can direct me to a chair lunch dinner."

I saw a guy juggling chain saws, it was cool, unless something needed to be sawed down, then it's annoying.

So, I sit at the hotel at night and I think of something that's funny. Or, If the pen is too far away, I have to convince myself that what I thought of wasn't funny.

I've always wanted to have a suitcase handcuffed to my wrist. That's not a full joke there! It's filler.