Quotes from Mitch Hedberg

I put fruit on top of my waffles, because I want something to brush off.

An escalator can never break: it can only become stairs. You should never see an Escalator Temporarily Out Of Order sign, just Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience.

Is a hippopotamus a hippopotamus or just a really cool opotamus?

My sister wanted to be an actress, but she never made it. She does live in a trailer. She got halfway. She's an actress, she just never gets called to the set.

I once saw a forklift lift a crate of forks. And it was way to literal for me.

I haven't slept for ten days, because that would be too long.

If Spiderman was real, and I was a criminal, and he shot me with his web, I would say, "Dude, thanks for the hammock."

When I was a boy, I laid in my twin-sized bed and wondered where my brother was.

I have an idea for sweatshops: air conditioning! That's simple. 14 year old boys working twelve hour days? "Yeah, but they're comfortable!"

I don't wear a watch because I want my arms to weigh the same.

When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying here you throw this away.

I got binoculars 'cause I don't want to go that close.

When you put Listerine in your mouth, it hurts. Germs do not go quietly.

I saw this wino, he was eating grapes. I was like, "Dude, you have to wait".

I thought my teeth were white until I washed my face with Noxzema. My teeth are off-white. I'm not even white. I'm off-white. It's a new race; we will prevail!

I like the public hot-tub at the hotels. I like when a guy is already in there, I say, "Hey, do you mind if I join you?" Then I go turn the heat up, and I add some carrots and onions.

If you can't sleep, count sheep. Don't count endangered animals. You will run out.

I used to do drugs. I still do drugs. But I used to, too.

I've never been to a hotel with a rotating restaurant on top, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, and I gave her a burrito.

I can't eat spaghetti. There's too many of them.

The Kit Kat candy bar has the name Kit Kat imprinted into the chocolate. That robs you of chocolate! That's a clever chocolate-saving technique.

If 13 is unlucky, then 12 and 14 are guilty by association.

I used to be a hot-tar roofer. Yeah, I remember that... day.

One time I stayed at a haunted motel. When I checked into my room, there was a sheet on the floor, and I thought it was a ghost that had passed out, so I kicked it.