Quotes from Mitch Hedberg

Last time I called shotgun we had rented a limo, so I messed up!

Every book is a children's book if the kid can read!

I like refried beans. That's why I wanna try fried beans, because maybe they're just as good and we're just wasting time. You don't have to fry them again after all.

Y'know, you can't please all the people all the time... and last night, all those people were at my show.

A fly was very close to being called a land, because that's what it does half the time.

I have a "Do Not Disturb" sign on my hotel door. It's time to go to "Don't Disturb". It's been "Do Not" for too long. We should embrace the contraction.

Incubated. And then raised. And then beheaded. And then plucked. And then cut up. And then put on a grill. And then put on a bun. Damn, it's gonna take a while. I don't have time. Scrambled!

I'm sick of Soup Of The Day, man. It's time we make a decision. I need to know what Soup From Now On is.

Mitch", but then reattach it and call it "Mitch-all-together.

I like to play blackjack. I'm not addicted to gambling. I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle.

I have a Sharpie. I love Sharpies. You know what they say on them? Not for letter writing. That sucks. Now I have to communicate with my dad using numbers.

All these jokes have been pre-approved as funny by me.

Rice is great if you're really hungry and want to eat two thousand of something.

You know when they have a fishing show on TV? They catch the fish and then let it go. They don't want to eat the fish, they just want to make it late for something.

I went to the store and bought eight apples; the clerk said, "Do you want these in a bag?" I said, "Oh, no, man, I juggle."

If you boat a lot, you're known as a boating enthusiast. I like to boat, but I just don't want to ever be referred to as a 'boating enthusiast'. I hope they call me 'a guy who likes to boat'.

I got two stools, in case I want to sit down and sit down again on something else.

When you start out in comedy, or probably in a lot of things, you want it to happen fast. You don't want to see yourself having to do this for seven years before you start to get some feedback.

A severed foot is the ultimate stocking stuffer.

Knock on wood is a saying for good luck. I think that started when someone went to someone's door to see if someone was home. "I hope Joe's home, knock on wood!"

A friend said to me, "I think the weather is trippy." I said, "No, man, it's not the weather that's trippy, perhaps it's the way we perceive it." And then I realized I just should have said, "Yeah."

I recently took up ice sculpting. Last night I made an ice cube. This morning I made 12, I was prolific.

I hate dreaming because when you want to sleep, you want to sleep. Dreaming is work. Next thing you know, I have to build a go-cart with my ex-landlord.

I rented a car. I didn't really need one, I just wanted to make one less available. I wanted one businessman on the bus with no car.