Quotes from Mitch Hedberg

I sometimes close my eyes during a show because I have drawn a picture of an audience enjoying the show more on the back of my eyelids.

Because of acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine.

I heard a guy tell me he liked cherries. I waited to hear if he was going to say "tomatoes", then I realized he like cherries just. That joke is ridiculous.

It's hard to fight when you're in a gazebo.

Here's a thought for sweat shop owners: Air Conditioning. Problem solved.

I had a paper route when I was a kid. I was supposed to go to 2,000 houses. Or two dumpsters.

I have no problem not listening to the Temptations.

It's hard to dance if you just lost your wallet. Whoa Where's my wallet But, hey this song is funky.

I travel with a boom box. When I get on a plane, I stuff the power cord for the boom box into the battery compartment. From an outsider's point of view, it looks like I've got it all wrong.

I wear a necklace, cause I wanna know when I'm upside down.

It's weird... people say they're not like apes. Now how do you explain football then?

Onions make me sad. A lot of people don't realize that.

I know people who believe in ghosts but don't believe in themselves. It's kind of sad. Okay you don't think you'll ever make it as a musician, but last night you saw a translucent caveman.

I'm sick of following my dreams. I'm just going to ask them where they're goin', and hook up with them later.

I know a lot about cars, man. I can look at any car's headlights and tell you exactly which way it's coming.

I can whistle with my fingers, especially if I have a whistle.

Bologna is a deli meat for people with eyes.

I'm not into sports. I mean...I like Gatorade, but that's as far as it goes.

Come on 'long prosperous life!'

Do you think I am standing here, making this up as I go? I am sorry to disillusion you. I am not Robin Williams. I am the king of the pen.

I play the guitar. I taught myself how to play the guitar, which was a bad decision... because I didn't know how to play it, so I was a shitty teacher. I would never have went to me.

My friend said to me, You know what I like? Mashed potatoes. I was like, Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause.

I love my fed-ex guy cause he's a drug dealer and he don't even know it...and he's always on time.

I don't own a cell phone or a pager. I just hang around everyone I know, all the time. If someone wants to get a hold of me, they just say 'Mitch,' and I say 'what?' and turn my head slightly.