Quotes from Mitch Hedberg

How does a sesame seed stick to a bun? That's magical. There must be some sesame seed glue out there. Either that or they're adhesive on one side. Peel off the backing, place it on the bun.

They say the recipe for Sprite is lemon and lime. I tried to make it at home. There's more to it than that.

I bought myself a parrot, but it did not say "I'm hungry", and so it died.

I can't wait to get off the stage, because I've got some LifeSavers in my pocket and pineapple is next!

I am wearing a vest. If I had no arms, it would be a jacket.

When it comes to racism, you hear people say, "I don't care if people are white, black, purple or green." Hold on, now, purple or green? Come on now, you gotta draw the line somewhere.

I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.

I wish I could play little league now. I'd be way better than before.

I'd like to get four people who do cart wheels very good, and make a cart.

When I was on acid, I would see things like beams of light and I would hear sounds that sounded an awful lot like car horns.

If a drink was ice cold, it would be impossible to drink. Because it would be solid. Here's a drink, Mitch - it's ice cold. I guess I could lick it.

I like Kit-Kat, unless I'm with four or more people.

I wish they made fajita cologne, because that stuff smells good. What's that you're wearing? That's sizzlin'!

I have a few cavities. I don't like to call them cavities, though - I like to call them 'places to put stuff'. 'Do you know where I can store a pea' 'Yes, I have some locations available.'

I went to a restaurant with my friend, and he said, "Pass the salt." I said, "Screw you! Sit closer to the salt."

I want to get a job naming kitchen appliances. That seems easy; refrigerator, toaster, blender. You just say what the thing does and add "er".

I played in a death-metal band. People either loved us or hated us. Or they thought we were OK.

I have a roommate, and I signed a year lease. I screwed up! That's like I wrote a joke that didn't work, but now I have to tell it for a year.

Sometimes I fall asleep at night with my clothes on. I'm going to have all my clothes made out of blankets.

2-in-1 is a stupid term, because 1 is not big enough to hold 2. That's why 2 was created.

If I had nine of my fingers missing I wouldn't type any slower.

I bought a scratch off lottery ticket, but then I accidentally spilled calamine lotion on it, so it did not need to be scratched. Shoot! I will not know if I have won!

I went to a tent store. "What kind of tent do you need?" "Circus."

If you're a fish and you want to be a fish-stick, you have to have very good posture.